MR. WINKLE AND THE CUTENESS MACHINE

THE TEETH COME OUT WHEN MR.WINKLE COMES UP

Yo animals, what up…

So my long awaited opus on why I have, had and am having a beef with the so-called “Cutest Dog in the World,” the evil Mr. Winkle.

First off, What is he? To me he is Public Enemy Number One… and a symbol of cuteness-gone-a-rye.

BOTTOM-LINE: POSHLUST
He’s a dog… not a space alien, cafeteria worker or a fairy. Why is he trying so hard to be ANYTHING other than what he is? For those of you who aren’t familiar with this canine-in-waiting, he rose to fame a couple years ago on the Internet, why? Because he is supposed to be so darn cute… but what is cute, and what does cute mean?

Mr. Winkle is what Nabokov would call POSHLUST, “not only the obviously trashy but mainly the falsely important, the falsely beautiful (another way of saying cute), the falsely clever (what some people might think of my blog), the falsely attractive,” that sums the Winks up and a couple of other headlining grabbing entities I don’t care to name, too!

I believe that both the human and animal societies place too much emphasis on being cute and not enough on having substance. We need more calendars dedicated to Seeing Eye dogs, fire and police dogs, those of us out here in the world working our tails off everyday, in a positive way, not simply by trying to pass as a living stuffed animal.

Think of all those cute humans out there, simply slipping by on their smile or over-dugg dimples… Cute, ugly, frumpy, skinny, fat, Goth, corporate, yupster, over-extended… we shouldn’t define ourselves by what’s on the outside but by the animals we are inside.

JUST SAY “I DON’T THINK SO TO THE CUTENESS MACHINE!”
Next time you see a baby, don’t say to his mommy and daddy, “Oh, how cute.” Say, “How many languages can he speak.” Or if you see a puppy, don’t patronize him, pick him up, look him in the eye and say, “I will respect you my friend because you have a wisdom that I have yet to comprehend.”

Nuff said… however, in the spirit of unconditional love I DO have to give Mr. Winkle PROPS for supporting a lot of charities… That is a sign of substance, right? I don’t know? Maybe we should ask Angelina Jolie or better yet… Jen Aniston… (Which team are you one TEAM STITCH or TEAM WINKLE?)

Who saw Mr. Winkle on TBS’s “Sex and the City” last night? He was there, on a book tour when Carry took her crazy-train-cross-country tip to San Francisco. That cat seems to pop up everywhere… especially in my nightmares.

WHY MR. WINKEL BUGS THE SHIT OUT OF ME

MY TALE WILL WAG ON THIS SUBJECT TOMORROW BUT…

I MEAN LOOK AT THIS…IS THIS HOW YOU’D LIKE TO START YOUR NEW YEARS, it’s like waking up, rolling over and realizing the pillow next to you is ACTUALLY a miss-placed relic from the previous night’s trip to funkytown.

NEMISIS…UNLEASHED

Meet Mr. Winkle. The SO-CALLED “Cutest Dog in the World.”

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, I have an unusual amount of free time on my paws…

So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (itunes, winamp, media player, ipod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend your cool…just type it in man!

Opening Credits:
Come to Daddy- Aphex Twin

Waking Up:
Sometimes- My Bloody Valentine

First Day of Obedience School:
This Scene is Dead- We Are Scientists

Falling in Love:
Make You Feel That Way- Blackalicious

Fight Song:
France’s National Anthem

Prom:
Money Don’t Matter Tonight – Prince

Life:
American Girl – Tom Petty
(What the… this don’t make no sense, I say, “Viva de Résistance… Bark…Bark”

Driving:
Duh… I DON’T have thumbs, I have paws…

Final Battle:
The Good the Bad the Ugly- Kanye West
(I’m the good, Murphy [more on him later] is the bad, and we all know who the UGLY is, it’s that DIABOLICAL MR.WINKLE)

Death Scene:
Don’t Believe the Hype- Public Enemy

Funeral Song:
Extraordinary Girl – Green Day

End Credits
Anarchy in the Uk- Sex Pistols
(This happens because at my death… those nasty chip and fish eating Brits realize the power and glory that is FRANCE.)

STAY TUNED FOR:
Pictures of meeeeee

More about why I called Murphy a bad dog (it’s kind-a an inside joke), don’t EVEN get me started on Fanny (yep, that’s what her best friends decided to name her) and Abby

More about why I admire Snoopy

And, Why France is SO MUCH BETTER than the UK

FROM THE STREETS OF NEW YORK

Yo, my name is Stitch and I’m a little brindle French Bull Dog from the streets of New York. I was rescued and brought to live in Scottsdale, AZ by a kid named Kyle. Just to let you know, I’m pretty masculine looking, but alas, I am a girl and I’m going to be 6 soon.

SO, HERE’S MY STORY:
In “the City” (I can call it that because I’m from there) a lot of people get dogs like me as more of an accessory than anything else, a status symbol if you will. These twerps, as I like to call them, don’t always realize how much love, attention and sidewalk time sweet little dogs like me, really need.

You all know who I’m talking about, you’ve seen them, everyone from Paris Hilton with Tinkerbell to Britney Spears with Little Lily, Porkchop, Bit-Bit, Sean Preston and Jayden James (Oops… some of those might be her kids) to Jessica Simpson with Daisy…BARF!!!

ATTENTION MY TWO-LEGGED FRIENDS:
Even though we come in a wide range of sizes and colors, we small dogs are much more than a Juicy Couture Sweatshirt or Louis Vuitton Bag (although I think some of these people get us little dogs just so they can carry us the a LV dog carrier).

In any case, a few years ago, Frenchies like me were a hot ticket… Anna Wintour, the Editor in Chief of Vouge (think “The Devil Wears Prada”) ONLY has Frenchies… probably because we are cute in a gremlin/gargoyle type way, short and stout and don’t shed.

ONWARD I BARK:
For some reason an NYU Student decided that she wanted to buy me, she got me from the same breeder that Wintour got her Frenchies and paid like 3500 bucks for me (I’m special, a lot more special that that little freak Mr. Winkle who looks a lot more like a doggie-cosmetology experiment GONE BAD than the “Cutest Living Dog in the World” but more about that later).

In any case, this NYU chick soon realized that, dogs and dorms don’t go together… neither do clubbing until 4 a.m., smoking, sleeping-in, study sessions or romantic candle-light dinners. BUT, she paid $3500 bucks for me and wanted that money BACK… woe is me, to be seen only as a commodity… what a life.

BARK ON, BARK AWAY:
NYU Girl put an ad in the “All the News that’s Fit to Print” Times, in an attempt to SELL-ME… oh, yeah, she named me ANGEL… and now she wanted to sell me. Luckily for me, a sweet and caring woman that sells modern art, loves Frenchies, and rescues dogs, saw the ad and inquired. She explained to said NYU Girl, that she would take Angel off her hands and find a really good home for her (me) but would NOT pay her.

NYU Girl spoke with her parents, but of course they were skeptical, they thought that Art Lady was going to take me and then sell me herself, so this made for quite a conundrum…

ENTER STAGE LEFT… UPPER EAST SIDE OLD FOLKS:
These Old Folks saw the same ad in the paper that Art Lady did— they bought me from NYU Student and next thing I knew I was singing, “I’m moving on up, moving on up, to the Eastside, to the Eastside… to a big old apartment in the sky..i…i.” However, life wasn’t all that grand. The Old Folks kept me for ONE day ONLY, and my Upper East Side existence faded into the past. Why, do you ask? I’m not sure if it was my contempt for Mr. Winkle, or that I refused to change my breed from “French Bulldog” to “Freedom Bulldog” or just that I was just too much of a puppy for them to handle, but I was given the proverbial boot pretty fast.

ART LADY SAVES THE DAY:
So, NYU Girl thought she had me off her hands and out of her dorm, but I was back, and she didn’t want me (And, I’m supposed to be the Bitch?), so she called Art Lady and said she could have me for free. Art Lady took me in and down to the gallery in SoHo where she worked, their I met a young lass named Amy, and Amy had a little brother who was visiting from Scottsdale… who just so happened to be having a birthday and just so happened to be wanting a dog.

I met Kyle and loved him right away, his smile and his big blue eyes. He became my first and number one best friend, but he has lots of sisters and brothers and friends with other small non-accessorized pooches that I’ve become friends with. He brought me home to AZ on a plane and I’ve been living it up ever since.

NOW I’M STICH:
One more little twist to the story, Kyle renamed me. He changed my name from Angel to Stitch, because he thought (and a couple of other people thought too) that I look a lot like Stitch from the Disney movie, “Lilo and Stitch.” I like the name, less ethereal, more down to earth, just like cute little me.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you want a dog, try and rescue one before you buy, if you do buy, please don’t use us as fancy accessories, that’s what babies and Bugaboo Strollers are for.

STAY TUNED FOR:
Pictures of meeeeee

More about my ongoing feud with Mr. Winkle

More about my take on the United Nations

And, Why France is SO MUCH BETTER than the UK